Would I dare to make a change?

As the saying goes, "The only thing constant is change". I do think my boss is going to implement some changes in my job scope and allow me greater exposure. Which is good but I guess it's a win-win situation for her because I do more stuff and I can cover others when they are not around. Smart move.

Anyway, as part of the change, I accompanied 2 managers on an agency visit for a forum and I must say it was a great experience. I found that I lacked interaction skills and I was really nervous to see strangers in a conference room, strangers of all nationalities. I really lack PR skills, I need to communicate effectively and be friendly. Not an easy task, considering that I grown moodier and more introverted after I got my desk bound job.

Nonetheless, this represent new changes that I have to implement in myself or rather my life. I want to be less afraid of striking a conversation with my business associates. (I need more interaction, I need to smile more, be more inquisitive of other people, maybe I need to attend Toastmasters' Club, etc). I want to speak well, look and feel confident of myself. (I need better clothes; clothes that look like a million bucks w/o costing a million bucks, I need a good haircut and hair colour, I need better shoes, better makeup, better complexion).

Gosh I have so many things to do! Question is if I will do it. Haha.

Sydney Tour

My most expensive holiday to date – Sydney! I went there end November, hoping to immerse myself in the “ang mohs” land. Well, it was fun but I guess I can never adapt to their culture. There are hardly any good food outlets open at night (nothing like those hawker centres in Singapore) and the train ceases operations from 10pm on weekday nights! Gosh. One difference is probably, Australians take pride in dining, dressing up and really splurging on an evening out with wine in hand. A tad expensive and not my kind of lifestyle, I say.


Anyway, the first day we arrived in Sydney, it was bright and sunny and full of houseflies!! They just kept flying to me and they were a big nuisance, buzzing in my ears and stopping for a moment to enjoy the view of my ears or even heading straight for my eyes! Sickening…

It was pretty cool during evenings though, much so when the wind blew. There were a few times I thought I was going to be blown away while walking against the wind! Yet the breeze was really really nice such that when I came home, I felt Singapore was kind of warm and sweaty. Haha.

Besides visiting Pitt Street (“the Orchard Road of Sydney”), we took photos at the famed Darling Harbour, Opera House, The Rocks, etc. Wanted to try the famous pancakes restaurant at the rocks called “Pancakes at the Rocks” but it was closed till after Christmas. Sad, sad. However, I found another nice place for lunch at the Rocks, aptly called “The Rocks Café”. You can see that these places are not very creatively named but, never mind. Had seafood for lunch and the staff were really friendly, relaxed and nice!



Had a chance to visit the Hunter Valley for numerous wine tastings and I got quite red after awhile and had abit of scare with a rash on my arms. Thank goodness the rash went away after some time. Must be the effect of mixing port, white wine, red wine and dessert wine together!

On the second last day, we headed for Blue Mountains and Jenolan Caves. I was quite peeved that we only had very little time on the Blue Mountains to walk about, so we only view the 3 sisters rock formation from afar. I did not have a chance to walk into the nature reserve and go up close and personal straight to the mountain cliffs! Argh. Anyway, on hindsight, I guessed it was better I did not walk there since I was afraid of heights and the Scenic Railway scared me somewhat already.

All in all, bought a lot of chocolates and Arnott’s biscuits back – only to find that NTUC has started selling most flavours of Arnott’s biscuits in Singapore but at 2x the price! Yes, it’s much cheaper in Australia! Well, when I save up enough money I shall go to the beautiful countryside or mountainside of Australia.

PS: I tried to use Flickr to post my photos here but there seems to be a HTML tag error. Arrgh.

Tired

I feel tired, out of the blue again.
Tired of relationships, of any kind.
Yet I do need companionship.

Maybe it's because I am a strong and driven person.
Maybe it's because I tend to do things on my own.
Yet I do need support at times.

Maybe it's because I give too much.

Maybe it's because I expect too much.

Maybe there isn't an answer at all...

My 1st Church Wedding of the Year 2006

One of my closer church friends got married in November this year and I was involved in the designing of powerpoint slides and program sheet. It's my first time attending a church wedding and preparing so much for it but it was fun. On the wedding day itself, I was one of the ushers and I could really feel the anticipation of the groom and the bride at the entrance. The bride was smiling so happily all day despite that she was quite a fierce person in everyday life. The church wedding solemnization was hilarious as the bride forgot her vows and the officiating minister had to read out the lines quietly to her but we could hear. Despite this, I felt that the vows are so meaningful and seeing the joy and smiles on the groom and bride was very heartwarming.

I felt really happy for the couple as they have come a long way, with 5 years of dating behind them and lots of ups and downs. The guy was non-Christian when they initially dated and the girl tried to break up several times so as to submit to God's Will but they got back together after awhile each time. There was one final break-up where we all thought it was the end but the guy loved the girl so much, he felt that it was not worth to give up without a fight. So he went to explore Christianity and God, trying to understand what power this sovereign being has over this girl, what He symbolises and whether He is real in people's lives. I am glad to say that he was convinced and by faith, he believed in God but he was unsure if he still should pursue the girl back. Fortunately their mutual friend helped them and the couple was reunited eventually. In his thank-you speech at the wedding dinner, I could tell how much he really believed in God and that their union was the result of God's Will and from now onwards, God will be their life beacon. Really touching.

On hindsight, a wedding involves so much preparation, coordination and cooperation. I faced some setbacks in the designing because the groom wanted something elegant and 3D while the bride wanted something simple and plain. In addition, there were so many changes as I did not know what they wanted and they couldn't really make up their minds. I felt that some of their ideas were quite unpractical EG. reflective paper for the church ceremony program sheet, which was not practical and wasteful. Everyone uses normal paper, photostated, because everyone throws away the sheets after use. Whatever, it's their money and their wedding. However, there were times I wanted to throw in the towel and tell them to discuss among themselves and then tell those who are helping them what they want and what needs to be done. I guess being engineers, the couple is not very good at coordination and liaision work. Haha. Whatever it is, the wedding got on quite well despite some hiccups.

In them, I see that a marriage is about committment to each other, to support, hold and love each other every step of life's journey , knowing that they are no longer separate entities but one body, one union. Marriage is about having the same goals and values to look forward to and work towards as well. And I guess for them, they can look forward to God's promise of eternity in Heaven.

This leads me to wonder, what exactly is marriage to me? How would I know if I am suitable for marriage or someone is suitable for marrying me? Or whatever.

Someone chatted me up on the MRT!!

Something shocking (or should I say pleasant?) happened to me while I was walking to take the train to work one morning. A 26 year old guy chatted me up with a hilarious intro: "Hi, are you going to work?" I was momentarily stunned as I thought it was quite obvious at 8plus in the morning that I was going to work, dressed in office attire. Anyway I was in a good mood that day as the next day I was due to be on leave so I decided to talk to him despite his funny intro.

Well, he's probably about 1.8m tall but kind of scrawny, went overseas to study and paying off his bond now. Must be quite smart but abit arrogant. It turned out that we were secondary and JC schoolmates but a year apart. Haha. No wonder I found him familiar as I would normally see him on the feeder bus that I take almost every morning. Anyway he must have seen me on the bus and train alot of times already since the beginning of this year. And the reason I noticed him was I felt that he seemed to be staring at me most of the time so much so I felt uncomfortable and strange.

We chatted politely all the way to City Hall station where he worked and he asked for my number (as expected). I decided to give to save him the embarrassment of rejection. Anyway he seems slightly shy and I guess it took alot of courage for him to approach a stranger on the bus!

After he left the train, I couldn't help but laugh to myself that such a thing actually happened to me. Ugly Amy without any make-up on nor was she dressed very trendily and she did not look friendly. Haha... Gosh, what an encounter!

Busy as a bee

I have not blogged for ages as I have been really busy with work, helping my church friend prepare some parts of the wedding, going to gym, preparing for my Sydney tour, going for physiotherapy...

Blog later.

Orthopedics make alot of $$

I went to the orthopedic specialist and got an X-ray done for my spine as I keep experiencing back pain. I guess my back muscles went into spasm and that’s what caused the excruciating pain that did not allow me to sit freely or stand for long periods of time like I used to be able to do. It’s like having back cramps and the best relief was to lie down in bed. Anyway the X-ray showed nothing much just a stiff back and maybe an unstable disc where the disc at lumbar 5 location tends to move a little and touches on the nerve root causing the pain in my left bum and a slight numbness or weakness in my toes. Back pain may not seem like much to many people but when it interferes with your lifestyle and your daily activities, I do think there is cause for worry. In any case, I am glad my spine is quite normal, just that the L5 disc may look a tad compressed. The recommended solution is to try physiotherapy for 6 weeks and strengthen the back muscles through exercises targeted at the back.

So I went to the rehabilitation centre on Sat and got a huge shock at the price tag. 8 sessions cost me $900! Wow. There goes my money. Very sad and depressed. If I were healthy, I need not have to spend such money but anyway it has to be done and spent and I will just save more, cut down on my expenditure and try to be healthier. Note that physiotherapy is not claimable unless there is hospitalization as in my company’s health policy. So sianz.

Well, I have been a good girl and doing back exercises for the past one week and my back pain is much better. Hopefully the physiotherapy will help to strengthen my back and from then onwards I will take good care of my back and be more active. I shall swim, cycle, go for aerobic or dance classes, etc. In all fairness, I must say that the physiotherapy is making my back better, at least I feel much more normal now.

Dumb colleague

Sometime last week, I was waiting for the lift when my colleague (the 28/ 29 year old one) also came out of the office to go home. I said “Hi” to her gingerly as we have not been on good talking terms and was deciding if I should start a conversation with her. However, I looked at her reaction and behaviour and I decided not to bother and I will not take the initiative. So we took the lift down some 30 storeys without talking and her standing just next to me. When the lift door opened, she walked out quickly and disappeared around a corner. I was completely flabbergasted.

Why?
Earlier on recently, we took the same lift and knowing we haven’t spoken a lot in recent months, I took the initiative to strike up a conversation with her and found myself up against a cold wall of ice. It’s different if the person is not apt at talking or is quiet but she was all ice. Her eyes were darting furtively and looking at the lift floor indicator, as if to see when the lift would reach the ground floor destination. And while I was talking to her, her eyes were trained in front, never once did she bother to turn to look at me. Now, I can read body language quite well and it was obvious she did not want to talk to me and then it was to her horrors of all horrors that she was taking the same lift as me.

The strange thing is whenever I see her and I am with my friend, she will just talk to my friend and ignore me and appear very friendly. Now I think that behaviour of this kind is very dumb. I know she is probably just trying to make me feel unwelcome and to show that she does not like me now but there is no need for this. I do not think I offended her and I cannot be bothered if she thinks I offended her. This is extremely dumb but after that incident in the lift, I told myself not to bother. If she wants the working relationship strained, note I say “working relationship”, not even “friendship”, so be it.

I am not even going to bother about asking her out for meals as previously my friend and I had a pretty bad experience. It was awkward and very superficial. I do not understand why a person can pretend to be so chirpy and chatty one minute and then later clam tightly shut and appear uneasy.

My first time... in a gym

I joined Fitness First recently and "burdened" myself with a hefty $133 monthly memebership fee. The consultant refused to lower the fees and I did a check among some friends and they were all paying the same rates. Well, the price of health and fitness. The good thing about it is that it's just opposite my office!! And the full membership allows you to use facilities at other clubs. Capital Tower and George St outlets have indoor swimming pool, whch is a very huge draw.

So far I have used the pool once and the gym machines such as the treadmill, bicycle, ab-machines, etc about once or twice only. Anyway I think I shall skip the treadmill and bicycle for awhile as my lower back pain came back after I did all those exercises. No wonder when I tried brisk walking, my back hurt terribly. Probably the lower lumbar disc is injured or weak.

Anyway my exercise plan now is to swim everyday before work. Hope I can persevere! The best part is that the bathing facilities (with shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, hairdryer, etc) and locker areas are clean and nice, just like a spa and there are people to clean up after you. Haha... Convenience and lazy me.

In addition, there are classes which you can attend at your leisure, so I tried out aqua-aerobics with my friend but we made an embarrassment of ourselves as we were laughing at each other, the gayish instructor and in the end we were kicked out of the class because we did not register in the first place. Haha. I also had my first personal training session (FOC) last week and my muscles ached the whole week! Was taught some abdominal crunches, some pilates moves and some thigh and butt tightening exercises. I probably won't keep to all, but I will try doing leg raises and abdominal crunches before I sleep at night to tone my tummy. And I must model after someone - that's my mum and my aunt! My mum lost some weight and is at her lightest in all her years while my aunt has quite toned legs and thighs after the treadmill and bicycle regime for almost 3 months.

I guess it's good to sweat and no more loose triceps flapping the air, no loose calf muscles or loose abdominal muscles. I must, I must, I must exercise!!!

Just tired

I am so tired I need a rest, a rest from it all.

Maybe a state of un-bother-ness is the best. Just like what is going on now.

Actions speak louder than words. No actions = silence.

Maybe sorry will do the trick but since I have spelt it out, it's of no more value.

Lower Back Pain

My health is suffering very badly this year. Gosh, I am not even 30, no baby, not married yet and I have a whole load of health problems. I am so so so so sad.

My most recent problem is my back pain. The gastric is somewhat cured as I can eat normally but just avoid spicy, oily and cold. However the lower back hurts somewhat and I feel like some old woman clutching and holding my back. I can’t bend forward properly and the pain radiates to my buttocks and my knees and sometimes my ankles or even the soles. It hurts the most when I am sitting down such that I cannot sit for long periods of time (such as 2 hours) and must get up to walk. There are days where it hurts so much all I want to do is lie in bed yet I can’t. Sigh. And I don’t want to take painkillers because it solves the symptoms but not the root of the problem.

At first I suspected I over-stretched when I exercised as it got worse while I brisk walked. Yet the pain still comes on and off. I really do not know what’s wrong with me!!! I think I need acupuncture again. Sianz. When the pain comes on, I have to use a heat pad to relieve the pain or sometimes an ice pack. I am so afraid when I sneeze or cough vigorously as it may affect my stiff back. I used to be able to walk fast and jump but this few weeks, I am slow and deliberate. Maybe I should take some glucosamine. Oh, I hate those big pills, cannot swallow them at all and I will drink like 2 cups of water just to push it down my throat!

Why do I have so much health problems this year?? Maybe the fengshui in my office is bad, especially my seat. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

Work, colleagues, bosses!

I feel lazy recently. I don’t feel like looking for another job or for that previously coveted marcom executive position Perhaps I have grown accustomed and am too comfortable in my current environment. I don’t know. All I know is that if I leave because the people in my company are not chummy with each other, it will be waste of the regional exposure that I can gain. After all, they do not affect my life ultimately. All I can say it’s just a different ball game now. I had a lot of fun at my previous company but there were many depressing moments too whether it is with colleagues or work-wise.

Work
Now my weekends are completely free; 48 hours of personal time is just so precious. Although there may be times where I need to check my office email but somehow or rather I willingly do it at night or on Sat for urgent stuff. Last time, people used to call me if things cropped up or I remembered being called back to work on some unfortunate Saturdays.

Colleagues
Yes, there were fun colleagues and fun times but as a group, there are always dynamics. I always remember that some colleagues’ behaviours and words will affect me greatly in terms of emotions. Whatever that you did, it was never right in their eyes and they would gossip behind your back. That’s extremely sneaky behaviour! I admit I am no matyr and I do complain about people but I do not spread malicious gossip.

I remember this colleague who had a sensitive trait in her and she had worked about 5 years while I was considered a newbie and her supervisor at that. I knew there was bound to be some tension so I would tread carefully in my dealings with her and not step on her tail. If I asked her for help or checked with her anything I would say “Thank you” or “Can you help me with this, please?”, etc. I never once raised my voice in frustration to her though she had several times spoken in frustrated tones. I knew she had an inferior complex but I tried very hard not to speak to her like I was a supervisor. I can dare say I never did that. Yet, it hurt me very badly that I knew she gossiped behind my back to other of our colleagues and even complained to my boss about me.

It was common knowledge that she also tends to be jealous easily and complains about everyone but I thought I was helpful and nice enough, so what more did she want? She even complained to the colleagues that I was close with but they did not tell me about it but I knew anyway. It was terrible knowing people talking behind your back, trying to win people over to her side. It was terrible hearing people telling you that she complained about you, full-stop. And then what happened? Well, after awhile, I decided not to bother too much because whatever I do is not judged by man but by God and all matters is I do right in God’s eyes. However it was still demoralizing knowing that gossip spreads and people still believed her.

It was not my fault for holding an executive position because I came straight out from university; do not expect me to start from bottom. The paper chase works that way. Even though now there may still be people who gossip about me, it’s only the dumb pantry woman or some unimportant aunties.

Boss
My male and female ex-bosses were nice people personally but work-wise they did not really support me wholly in what I do. I hated living up to people’s expectations, especially during performance appraisals where the boss would say you have not performed well in this area, that area, etc. Or you may want to examine your relationship with this colleague, that colleague. Or you have to do this, that, this, that. Many a times I feel that I have done no wrong. Even if I have done wrong, the boss can correct you in a supportive way. It’s good to pinpoint areas that you can improve but do so in a mentoring way and not autocratic way. Like the other time one of my colleague was promoted to head the team over me. I didn’t mind but in the first place, they shouldn’t have told me to head the team just because I was on a higher level. Moreover the explanation given to me was quite superficial. It was a good reason as they felt I was inexperienced but apparently they did not take my reservations into consideration when they wanted me to head the team! Then they reversed the decision 3 months later! But oh well.

Right now, my current boss doesn’t really care about me but the relationship is kept very simple – just a working relationship, no emotions involved. Appraisal is based really on work performance. Sometimes that just feels better. And I am grateful for my sales managers who cover me at times when I make errors, well probably because everyone forgives salespeople who make mistakes. But, at least, sometimes.

A traumatizing weekend

This weekend was particularly traumatizing. I went to Geylang with some friends for lunch on Sunday and it was just supposed to be a simple lunch between some girlfriends but I ended up nearly molested. Again.

Sometimes I do wonder if I have the “I am dumb and I won’t scream” look. My friends and I were walking and chatting to Geylang when we passed by an old Indian man. He was looking at us and smilling but I did not pay heed to it. Later we settled on a coffeeshop to eat and we saw him walking past us again! When he walked past me, he smiled and reached out to touch me but I saw it and moved away in shock. I glared at him as he walked away and turned around to find my friend staring in shock too as she has seen what had happened. Later on, she said she thought I knew him as he was smiling at him. Gosh! Would I know an OLD INDIAN guy?? My goodness, I was flabbergasted at that man’s audacity to reach out and try to touch me or any other girl for that matter! I was quite tramautized so I kept looking out at people who walked past us while we were eating to see where their hands would go. Strangely, many guys kept staring at us when they walked past us but we were dressed decently and quite covered up. In fact I was in a long sleeved cardigan that was zipped up and hid my cotton racer top inside and pants. Nothing revealing at all. I did not have makeup on either. I think I just looked gullible.

Conclusion: Do not go to Geylang to eat without a guy to protect you.

Super sick!!! This is not the first time I encountered such a situation already! The other time I was on a public bus in Johor Baru, some passenger alerted me that an old Chinese man was behaving weirdly behind me. And that day I was wearing my spectacles, in a T-shirt, looking nerdy and super dressed down.

Seriously I don’t understand these people. Do they possess too much testosterone that anyone with the faintest female looking anatomy will do? Or do they think they can get away with it on the bus or on the streets just because of anonymity?

I think I need to pray to God for journey safety and mercy every time I go out from now onwards!

Tuned in, tuned out

Tuned in, tuned out. That exactly describes what I am at work ever since I discovered radio broadcast on the Internet. How wonderful that is!

One of my HK colleagues came over to Singapore for an event and she popped by our office. Her only comment in was “Wow, your office is very quiet, not like us in HK, we are a bunch of crazy people (“dhin yan” in Cantonese).” I was smirking to myself after she made the remark as it’s so true; the whole office is so quiet and serious that you can hear a pin drop or your colleague talking on the phone. Anyway, I don’t mind the peace and quiet now if that admin manager does not talk loudly or try to get attention. In whichever cases, I have my beloved radio to accompany me, my quintessential email and my messenger so I can concentrate on my work or myself or my own stuff and ignore everyone and everything else.

I think I have somewhat became integrated into this weird unfeeling cold company culture where everyone just does their work solemnly and quietly. Well, I am a person who keeps to myself too but I do open up to people once I know them reasonably well and once I feel the worth to open up to. Sorry, but I am that anal. Being bubbly is never my character though I am a warm loyal friend. (My friends, please vouch for me, I am sure you will!)

Anyway, I do feel slightly horrified that I seemed to have followed this company’s culture where people just do their own work and leave at the end of business close. I am now like them! Keeping to me, myself and meself. I don’t mind the quietness or that no one talks to me. I think I may have lost my social skills there such that I don’t even know how to talk to colleagues in the lift except about work. I think I have become like them.

It really really scares me. I don’t want to be unfeeling but yet becoming like them is the only way I can protect myself. Don’t ask me to try to change the culture, it’s too revolutionary and I seriously cannot be bothered!

People need the...

Recently I have been observing people a lot, watching them at work and thinking. Pondering.

Have you ever wondered about the life story behind the old man shuffling or the hunch-back petite woman clearing your used plates and cups at the hawker centres? Or the white-haired retired old man shopping around the supermarket or the old grandmotherly figure taking her walks in the park each day? They do this everyday. Don’t they ever feel the drudgery of daily life, making ends meet or even trying to fill their time?

Everyday they pass me by, I can see it in their eyes.
Empty people filled with care, headed who knows where.
On they go through private pain, living fear to fear,
Laughter hides their silent cries, only Jesus hears.

It’s a scary thought when your health fails you, when you age each year, when you have no aim or goal in life when your goal is accomplished.

“What’s next? “ you ask.
“Nothing?”

If you were to leave the world today, would you know where you would head after that? Would you want to go to a place where there is no suffering, only praise, joy and love?
If someone offers you this gift free of charge and asks only that you believe this is true - would you accept?

People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize...people need the Lord?

If you have this gift, it is meant to be shared. Will you share it with your loved ones before time runs out? Have you ever turned and looked at your parents or siblings or your loved ones and see that maybe you will never see them again 10 years, 20 years down the road? Would you stop the hustle and bustle of your life to spend more time with them, to really take an interest in them before time flies? Have you ever wondered the impact or the purpose of your labour?

We are called to take His light to a world where wrong seems right.
What would be too great a cost for sharing life with one who's lost.
Thorough His love our hearts can feel all the grief they bear.
They must hear the words of life, only we can share.
r’s Stop

* HMS Host

* SSP International & RKHS

* Oberoi Group

* Alpha Airports Group

SAM

I was at the Singapore Art Museum recently to get my dose of the arts as it was free admission on Friday nights from 7 to 9pm. Admission is $3 per person on other days and half price for children. I was quite surprised to see a lack of art viewers even on a Friday. Perhaps it was because some parts of SAM were undergoing renovation. However, you want a quiet place to eat and relax, you can try the Olio Dome there – free from the maddening Friday crowd.

Basically, it was my first time there but in my opinion, there isn’t really much to see. I spent perhaps half an hour to forty-five minutes there slowly reading the overviews of the oil paintings by local artists and admiring them. My conclusion is that oil paintings are quite life-like as oil paint can be used to varying degrees and thickness to achieve different textures. Also, the current works at SAM are works of local artists such as Liu Kang. Actually that’s the only name I can remember as he was a SPH patron or something. In short, he was featured in the news before.

The next pit-stop on my list is probably the “postage stamp museum” but I am still thinking twice because of the admission charges. No point paying to see something unsubstantial!

Tattoo on my arm

Heya, I went to get a tattoo on my arm recently. Nice, right? It's the picture of an angel though the tattoo is quite big. I think my arm looks big too. Hmm.. But that's a side issue.

Of course, I have no guts to get a real one, this one's just an air-brush tattoo but the staying power is pretty good. I think it can last you for 4 to 5 days if you don't do anything to it. However, I was feeling the itch on it and decided to use soap and a brush to wash it off.

Maybe I will get a coloured one (fake) somewhere else on my body, sometime soon.

Lift my spirits please

Have been feeling pretty lost and down-spirited recently. Never felt this way before. It’s really discouraging, no matter how I try to cheer myself up or press on. I am so lost in my career quest and I seriously lost myself in knowing what I want to do and what I can do. I can’t see where I am going in my current job other than standard pay increases of meagre percentages each year. I guess I am also lonely in my organization.

Actually I don’t want to job-hop. I just want to find some place where I can stay long term and make friends or nice accommodating colleagues but I just can’t find it here. Recently I have tried applying for marketing, marketing communications or even corporate communications jobs but most of them did not call me up. Maybe I should apply for media/ editing jobs too. I may have exhausted the job market already by sending out perhaps 50 resumes in the past 2 weeks? Yup. Kind of aimless hitting wherever I can, whenever I can. I don’t want to hit aimlessly too but I also have no confidence especially after the previous interview. I don’t really know how my skills and experience will stand out since I am making a career switch to a more specialized role.

Sigh. Why? I don’t know what’s happening to me. Everyday I wait for my phone to ring, waiting for unknown numbers as they represent a ray of hope. No one seems to want me. I can only pray and hope and wait patiently but I am restless. I am fidgety. How do I find joy in God in my situation? I try to.

The waiting is horrendously painful and excruciating.

Interview with HPB

I should have known better to trust the vibes I have and my very own gut feelings.

I attended an interview with Health Promotion Board sometime this week and was totally pissed off at their lack of professionalism and a high and mighty attitude. I know HPB is a statutory board; I thought it sounded like a fun organization with all the various marketing activities going on but it has the government “smell” and “feel”, if you know what I mean.

Before coming for the interview, I had looked through the job scope once again and felt really bad vibes, as if something was wrong. I was proven right in due course. Was told to report at 10am for a presentation and discussion and had this feeling that it would be a group presentation and was wondering if it was going to be a group discussion after all. My suspicions were confirmed when I reached there and found several other candidates loitering around. We were then told to go into a meeting room to wait for the deputy director of marketing. I looked around and felt extremely unconfident and low-spirited given the outgoing personalities of other candidates and their advertising agency experiences.

Well, what happened next was HPB’s version of “The Apprentice” but to me, it was poorly administrated. The deputy director gave a very brief presentation of what HPB was about (only a few lines) and told us to introduce ourselves to all in the group of eight. So the round-the-table formal introductions began. After that, we were given an outline of what a particular program to be rolled out in future and were told to come up with a marketing plan in half an hour. We then had to present individual parts. I felt like I was back in Uni.

I am pissed because we were not told what we had to go through. I am pissed because it took me a bloody 2 hours of interview and no one told me. What a waste of time! In addition, this is only the “knockout” round. HPB wants to see who can work well and if there is teamwork. Is it necessary at this stage?? Shouldn’t the first stage be screening of candidates? How can you not screen candidates but dump them together to save time? Well, you can but this is poor HR and poor interview techniques. There was no genuine interest in the candidates.

Also I am pissed because the deputy director asked dumb questions during the presentation; I would think he has more substance. I am pissed because the deputy director was already biased in his selection of candidates subconsciously – he only asked a few candidates questions and looked bored at others. I am just pissed. Who knows if they will use our ideas we generated? That would be unethical and cheap.

Anyway I learnt a good experience from this and that is being able to react at last minute, poorly put together interviews. You can have this style of interview but someone needs to be in control and administer it well. I also learnt that marketing jobs are not for me. I will stick to marketing communications which is the execution

Pissing off week

It’s a pissed off week for me or rather start of the week. I was so busy last week and only left office at 7pm (which is very rare as almost everyone has already gone at 6pm sharp), so I was looking forward to this week. Had hoped that it would be free and easy but I was wrong. I was busy again… I mean really madly busy with no breather.

In addition, my past mistakes had snowballed and came back to haunt me. Suddenly there were like so many mistakes just uncovered and those cases were like early part of the year. Since no one knew it was a mistake, we kept using it, till the errors became aplenty. Of course, I feel it’s just minor billing errors but I know the US office will grumble if there are many adjustments to do. Then I was asked to explain how these mistakes came about. I racked my brains for 2 hours as I felt that a mistake is a mistake – even if I explained, anyone will just think I am trying to make excuses. And a mistake is already a mistake. Nonetheless, since an explanation was needed for audit purposes, I listed 2 to 3 important points as briefly as possible. I feel bad making mistakes but I really can’t bother to explain much.

Then today, my boss kind of reprimanded me over a task that I forgot to do and that is to allocate the commission of a few accounts to the sales side. Come on, 95% of the time I do it correctly and you want to condemn me over 5%. Sure, sales is super important but if the commission missing, it can be rectified; we will just have to ask US to allocate properly again. You can’t have 100% accuracy in this because the US may get it wrong, we may get it wrong or someone will dispute the commission should be spilt, etc. Anyway, it’s also my mistake but I really cannot bother explaining myself. Damn pissed over this because my boss implied I never do my job at all. She’s nice; but when she is not in her moods.

I don’t want to stay here any longer. It’s sickening. There’s no one to talk to and the boss only bothers about the sales team, granted they bring in the most revenue. The sales can have the perks as rewards but treat everyone fairly. It’s like even if I die the next day and don’t come to office, no one will notice or ask.

Would you want a working environment that the people only interact with you professionally and only 5% superficially personal?

I cannot wait for Friday.

I am desperate to jump ship. Give me a ship, quick!!

There is no need to bang things!

Something scary happened in office today or at least I feel it is scary.

Two colleagues [one young (B) and one old (A)] had a disagreement over where to place a box of hard-copy presentations. B had actually found the box on the empty table behind her (where she also puts her office stuff) and proceeded to put the box in the bin meant for paper recycling. When A found the box lying there, she was shocked as the box contained the boss’ stuff. So A asked B if she left it there. B (the young one, not me ok!) admitted putting in the bin as she thought it was unwanted. B was pissed off as it was not meant to be thrown away. B then started grumbling and said she could not understand why the box could not be placed on that table since it was a common table and there was enough space. B was fuming away too because later I heard her say aloud that she does not want to be responsible if anything from that table went missing, especially if it was the boss’ stuff.

I heard the commotion but pretended nothing happened – learnt my lessons already! However, the scariest thing was that after A walked off, B (the young one) shifted the box to the office storeroom and threw it there. Why do I say “threw”? That’s because I heard some banging and clanging sounds from the storeroom.

I think there is no need to purposely make some sounds to show your displeasure at the office. It’s so scary as it shows the true temper of a person. Scary. Scary.

Bored, bored. bored

I am bored, are you bored too?

I am bored in everything.

I am bored at work.
Staring at the computer blankly.
Nothing ever moves.
Nothing ever happens. Well, perhaps it does but no one bothers.

I am bored at home.

I am bored outside.

I am bored with me, myself and you.

I am so so so so bored.

I am super duper irritated!!

I am in an irritable mood this week and several people have stepped on my tail. Woe to them!

Why can’t people sleep straight in the MRT? The MRT seat is not your bed. I hate it when people start yoyo-ing here and there or use you as their cushion. The skin to skin contact is horrifyingly disgusting, especially if the person beside you is sweaty or sticky or whatever. Was on the MRT one morning and sat beside a plump fat woman whose head kept leaning towards me every stop of the way! That was like at least 10 stops. I folded my arms and kept my fingers pointed out, ready to poke her if she ever leant by again. She did not get the bloody hints. So after that, whenever her head starts inclining towards me and her fat oily arms start clinging to my arms, I will shift myself deliberately. She continued sleeping and I continued shifting almost every stop. And I glared at her angrily when she got off at her destination but she did not bother to look at me. Why can’t people just sleep straight?? She was super lucky I did not wake her up rudely and tell her off, “Excuse me, do you mind not leaning on me all the time? It is very irritating”.

After lunch sometime this week, I proceeded to push the chair out so I could get off the seat after my meal. The irritating woman behind me glared at me and refused to budge while I kept pushing against her chair. Didn’t she get the bloody hint? Is it so difficult to move abit? Some plump fat woman in bright pink top and black skirt office attire. Hello!! Who’s the plump fat one here??? She was like one and a half times of me and she had the audacity to stare at me as if I was the plump fat one needed a lot of space?? She refused to budge so I just climbed out of my seat and glared back at her. Dumb.

Also, if you sms me, please sms clearly and state the intention or meaning of your sms. If I sms you, please reply back. Don’t give me cryptic sms-es that I have to decipher the meaning behind it. I do not mind it mostly but don’t do it when I am in an irritable mood. Thanks very much.

There you have it. I am very irritable. Very irriitable. Very very irritable. Sorry for name calling “fat”. To prevent retribution, I shall exercise more and sleep less this coming week.

Itchy belly button

Silly me or rather stoopig insect which bit my belly button last week. Should not have listened to my friend and sat in a "garden" to enjoy lunch - in the hot sun!

Now my belly button is super itchy and has an insect bite remnants. It is sure itching like mad and after I scratch it, the whole "button" turns red.

Itch, scratch, scratch, itch, itch, itch, itch!!

Housework = housewife?

I love cleaning the house. I just don’t know why. It’s my weekend routine though throughout the week, I do clean the house once again if it’s dusty. I hate the sticky feeling on my feet but mind you, I am not a clean freak. I just like the main areas like the floor and cupboard surfaces free of dust. Of course if I am really so so so so tired, I will skip cleaning for that day but I must do it the next day. Haha.

This weekend, well, I cleaned the house again! It’s good exercise really, I sweated quite abit. Firstly, I cleaned the cupboards and polished the glass tables that are exposed to air and dust. Then I vacuumed and mopped. After that, I hand washed my clothes and hung them out to dry. Doesn’t sound like a lot to do but it took me about 2 hours to finish the chores. Add another half to one hour of ironing my office clothes so I have a full wardrobe on Monday to pick and choose. The sense of satisfaction and achievement is just so exhilarating!!

Maybe I should start a cleaning company and call it “Wong’s Amahs”.

I need a new job

Finally.

I am ONE year old in my “new” company. I achieved my 12 months target. Yet my perseverance is dying out on me. Can I hold out for another year? I do not know. I know I will definitely hold out till December this year but after that? I may be lost. I am in wanting to run off but I am scared of what the future holds. I am petrified of leaving one boring environment and jumping into another similar one. However, I do know I want to switch to marketing or marketing communications, which is more in tune with what I studied.

Why do I want to leave so soon?

I am tired of the cold environment which I work in.
I am tired of having nothing to say to my direct working colleagues when I meet them at the lift lobby or in the toilet or even on the MRT. This is so even though I rack my brains for a topic or try some lame topic but to no avail.
I am tired of the feeling where “even if you die, no one bothers or cares” culture.
I am tired of sitting at my computer doing at most administrative brainless work.
Ultimately, I am tired of being surrounded by people I see for 8 hours everyday but are like complete strangers actually. That is scary.

Sometimes I wonder if I had made a wrong decision to leave my previous company but if I did not, I would never know what the outside world is like and what kind of values I hold out for in a job and my preferred working environment. A change and a new experience has spurred me on to list out all what I want in a job, namely the roles I play, the corporate culture and the
people.

I want a company where I can grow my career, where I feel appreciated, where the office is actually like another home to me. I want a family-like culture and helpful and friendly colleagues. Not all colleagues can become friends but I am sure there will be some. The key to long term growth is still people - this is what I learnt but such a painful and arduous lesson. I don’t care if I can’t take 2 hour lunches – I don’t eat that awfully slow! I don’t care if my freedom is restricted – if you like the environment you work in, you won’t feel restricted at all.

Sigh.

Trust in God and ask God for a way out and to give you your desired job with the desired work culture and people. Ask and He shall give. Yes, that’s my prayer goal. My time goal is 9 months (target May 2007) and I will start looking for a job actively come 2007.

My daily lunch

I have a situation that I somehow cannot resolve. I have tried and I can’t really be bothered anymore, so I shall just leave it as it is.

The changes came gradually over a month ago but I took some time to analyze it and try to solve the problem after making sure that I was not being overly sensitive.

Well, it is like this, my regular lunch partner suddenly became very busy during lunchtime and would go off on her own without asking me or only sometimes telling me she’s got an appointment or whatever. She started to bring her own lunch to work often and if I noticed that I wouldn’t ask her out for lunch. Quite weird, considering that we have been lunching together daily for half a year. So I thought she was busy, on a special diet or wanted to be left alone and left it at that. After a few weeks, I felt it was really getting absurd so I started taking the initiative to ask her for lunch at least 30 to 45 mins before she scoots off.

It’s kind of pathetic as lunch has become quite boring after all with her. In the beginning it was not that bad as I tried to find out more about the company through her and she used me as a listening ear to complain about the people in the department. However, there is a limit to complaints and I felt it wasn’t very healthy. In addition, the complaints are always about the same old things. I supposed I got bored, maybe I bored her too. Whatever.

So this week I decided to ask her out for lunch again and I was slightly pissed off at her behaviour. We went to a café so we had to wait for our food to be served but because she ate sandwiches, her food came first while I had to wait for my food for a longer period of time. To my irritation, she started eating first and was not bothered about waiting for me. Nor did she politely say “Excuse me, I am hungry, I shall start eating first” or “Eh I very hungry lehz, I eat first ah!” She finished her sandwiches and cake within like 10 mins and I was still waiting for my food.

My food finally came and I felt ill at ease with her watching me while I was eating. I could see that she was slightly impatient but well, I can’t help it, the food came late. I tried wolfing it down the best I could while at the same time try to make conversation, which she did not. After going through a series of topics, remarks and opinions that I had pre-planned in my mind to make it a dialogue, I gave up trying to do so as there was less than lukewarm response such that it became a monologue!

I give up. Gave up. Given up.

My favourite National Day song

Happened to catch Kit Chan on Singapore Idol yesterday and she was singing “Home”, lyrics and music were incidentally composed by Dick Lee. Hmm… This is my favourite National Day song as it is evergreen and you will not tire of it! You will feel electrified when you hear Kit Chan sing this with her powerful and emotive vocals.

Whenever I am feeling low
I look around me and I know
There's a place that will stay within me
Wherever I may choose to go
I will always recall the city
Know every street and shore
Sail down the river which brings us life
Winding through my Singapore

This is home truly, where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows
This is home surely, as my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone, for this is where I know it's home

When there are troubles to go through
We'll find a way to start anew
There is comfort in the knowledge
That home's about its people too
So we'll build our dreams together
Just like we've done before
Just like the river which brings us life
There'll always be Singapore

This is home truly, where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows
This is home surely, as my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone, for this is where I know it's home

For this is where I know it's home
For this is where I know I'm home

Truly, only when she sings this song and only this song, my heart stirs and my eyes tear. I love this song! Suddenly I feel very patriotic. Haha.

During lunch this week, I tried to create topics with an acquaintance and was very irked by her responses towards National Day. It’s National Day, come on! While I don’t feel that the parade is interesting enough, I think that it’s a tradition and ritual for Singaporeans to celebrate National Day. This person had no feelings whatsoever about National Day or Singapore. She was just cold and chilling and completely uninterested. That’s sad, that’s pathetic. Hmm… Why are people so unresponsive and apathetic? There must be something about National Day that stirs your heart like Kit Chan’s song “Home”.

Something. Anything?!

Malaysia mega sales

I want to go KL shopping! The Malaysia mega shopping sale is here and I want to revamp my wardrobe. Cut down on buying casual clothes and more of work clothes that can be worn for casual too. That’s my new aim this month and next month. Have to be prepared to burn a hole in my pocket though but if the clothes can last me for a few years, why not?

Hopped over to Jusco at Tebrau City (in JB) for a shopping spree last weekend where according to Asiaone, it is one of the new bigger shopping centres that have sprouted in JB with brand names like Guess, Mango, Topshop and Dorothy Perkins. Much better than City Square I would say.

Guess what I bought? 1 sports tops, 2 sports pants, 1 working top and 1 pair of heels for less than S$100!! Amazing! The discounts are quite real at many shops especially departmental stores but there are always black sheep which bring out old merchandise or have huge discounts on those instead of the current stock. Or they give 10% discount on new arrivals and 50% discount on less popular stock. So choose with discernment.

Yet the sale is much better than Singapore’s, given the exchange rate and the very huge discounts that they can give – up to 70%. Can you get 70% discounts in Singapore? Nope. Even if you do, you will not get your size at all. That’s the sad reality but I will still shop in Singapore and fork out the money as sometimes the designs in Malaysia are slightly less creative. Unless you go for brand names like British India, Hush Puppies, Guess, you would be assured of quality and design but then I wouldn’t be able to mend that big hole in my pocket then.

Am I an ugly duckling?

I feel ugly.

Why?

My hair is unkempt.
It needs to be cut.

My hair looks old.
It needs to be dyed.

Sudden acne breakout on my face.
It needs to be cured/ cleared. Fast, no, should be ASAP!

Dry eyes from too much computer work.
I need funky glasses instead of contact lenses.

I have a big mouth ulcer near my molar.
It needs to be reduced to zilch.

I feel frumpy.
I need classy clothes.

And what do I need to do all these?

MONEY!!!

A different fruitful weekend!!

It was a fruitful weekend but I need more sleep, though I slept quite a lot already! These are what I did during the weekend, Fri to Sun:

Movies
I watched 2 movies – Pirates of the Carribbean and The Lake House, both not very good. For “Pirates”, 2 hours 30 mins is too long and the plot meandered nowhere and ended ambigiously. After all that fighting and climax. Grrrr. My companion fell asleep at times. Haha. Then for “The Lake House”, I think reading the book may be better, at least you can form your own fantasy world. The TV commercial’s confusing but the plot comes to light once you understand what’s going on. It’s a sweet ending after all yet I cannot understand how Keanu Reeves finally met Sandra Bullock at the house on the lake eventually. They are in different time zones or rather 2 years apart! Oh well… It’s an average romantic story with eye candy for the guys and girls. Be forewarned that the pace is pretty slow though!

Baking
I had tried to bake muffins previously but my muffins were weird. This time with my mum around, I decided to enlist her help. The first batch did not turn out well; it tasted funny. Then we used another recipe for chocolate chip muffin and the taste was quite good. However, it the muffins did not rise properly and were lopsided. We finally tried a third batch at my aunt’s house and it was yummy! Yet there was not enough to go around as there were only 10 muffins and they were delicious. Ok, we have the correct recipe now. Yoohoo!

Exercise
I brisk walked on Sat evening.
I swam on Sunday evening.
I never felt so healthy in my life, man.

The endomorphins and the adrenalin rush are just great. You can feel the muscles working hard when used and you just feel much more energetic, healthy and toned! Maybe I am sadomaschistic but the exercise is really uplifting. Not to mention that I brisk walked on Tues, Wed and Thurs morning. Woke up at 6am and dragged myself out of bed and onto the streets. So far I can feel the results slightly. I am not as much a lump of fats anymore. And exercise provides some sort of motivation.

This week will be my 2nd week of my exercise program which should progress to a way of life hopefully. I watched a slimming show recently on Channel 8 and there were many mothers and older people who went to Jean Yip to try to convince Jean Yip to slim them down as part of the sponsored show. It then hit me – I do not want to rely on artificial slimming stuff when I am older or when I have became a mother. I want to be a beautiful and lean woman or mum!

Exercise Time

Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of slimming shows on TV nowadays? Yes, there are. Recently, one woman who used to weigh 110kg lost weight to a svelte 57kg. She amazingly shed almost half of her weight!!!

That set me thinking; I should perhaps lose some weight off my ballooning tummy or at least be healthier. Then I looked at my brother – he was almost 100kg before he went into army, lost some 15-18kg. Now, he has an even better figure than me, maintaining his figure at about 75-80kg. How did he do it? He jogged or ran every night especially since he was released from NS. My relatives who have not seen him for one or two months or even more were all extremely shocked by how different he looks now. Very toned! I guess he wants to go to university with a good bod and a good face to charm girls. Hehe. So do I. I want a good bod and pretty face to charm Guy(s).

Well, exercise is not only good for the body as it releases endomorphins (hormones that make you happy), exercise also improves complexion and gives you a toned body. Lately, my face broke out really badly because I went for a freaking sauna. I will not go for a sauna again. Hopefully, the exercise and face creams will clear my face up real soon. Good bye to unwanted pimples. Gosh, I feel like a teenager now.

Anyway I have decided, I shall follow my brother to exercise every night or every alternate. Of course I shall begin by brisk walking and maybe later some jogging but not too much as jogging is not good for the knees. If night exercise doesnt work out, I will try early morning exercise. Hehe. In addition, I will try to swim at least twice a month. For this, I have prepared myself by buying some sports gear. To date, I have bought a sweatshirt, sports shorts and temporarily relying on my old trusty sports shoes and socks.

Right, I am all set! A healthy lifestyle, toned legs, toned arms, taut tummy, here I come!!

Nearly molested

Scooted off to Malaysia during the weekend for an eating and shopping holiday (albeit in JB only) and got back home on Wednesday. It was great not working when you are supposed to be working though my short holiday was not that exciting; did not buy much stuff; it was time well spent with my parents. Haha.

Thank God for journey mercy and safety during this trip as I nearly met with an unfortunate incident. I do not know how real it was but it’s better to believe than not to believe. This incident has made me really convinced that asking God for journey mercy and safety is very important and God was protecting me all these while.

What unfortunate incident? Well, it seems that an old man on a public bus in JB wanted to molest me. I was quite shocked when I learnt of it. A kind man had thrown me a piece of paper and I was wondering which crazy idiot did that when I saw the words on the paper. The note asked me to change seats as the old man behind me was trying to molest me!

I glanced around but could not see what the old man sitting behind me was doing. I hesitated for a moment, wondered if the other guy was being overly sensitive but I decided to change seats. I then saw the old man behind me with both his hands on the seat handles or rather in between the handles. I did not feel anything earlier on but just kept on hearing the old man behind making a lot of noises and being very fidgety.

A few minutes later, the old man got off at his supposed destination and the guy who threw me the note told me he had been observing the old man for some time and he felt that the old man was up to no good. Well, thank God nothing happened and thanks be to God for this “angel?”

It’s a relief yet a shock as I was not dressed skimpily! I was only wearing a sleeveless top and capri pants and looking extremely unkempt. Maybe it was because I am a young nubile thingie. Haha.

It's Thursday!!!

20 July Thursday
0930 hrs
I am back to work today after a holiday in Malaysia and the weekend’s round the corner. Yoohoo…

1100 hrs
It’s the lull period at work for me.

1200hrs
Time to relax.

0200hrs
Need to take more holidays.
Hmm… I feel like going Taiwan or Macau. The hot springs are very tempting plus the good food and shopping at Taiwan. I can visit nature and city areas at the same time in Taiwan or even soak in history in Macau or even shopping. Now, who’s game to go?

1600 hrs
The toilet and corridor lights on my floor at IP are out again. Great. Just when I need to use the toilet urgently.
Urgent.
Urgent.Urgent.
Urgent. Urgent. Urgent.
Super urgent.
Think I shall use my handphone light. Maybe I should invest in a torchlight after all.

Ramble, amble, gamble

The World Cup is over. Just as well as I was beginning to get bored of it. The games have not been very interesting towards the end, with many surprises. It was getting real difficult to analyse as luck came very much into play, racking my brains wouldn’t make much of a difference. Teams that do not play well went on to the next round and there were plenty of penalty shoot-outs. Penalty shoot-outs are quite sad, as it is not a real gauge of the game. Also the European teams have performed inconsistently during this tournament. I don’t really see any real football tactics or teamwork or any team able to penetrate the other team’s defence or attack well enough. Maybe Germany did, in the earlier parts of the tournament but other than that, nothing much. Too much hype going around. And there were too much diving, too many fouls or playacting which makes me wonder if it’s really football or a fight in progress. Anyway, it’s over with a small amount of money in my pocket though! Haha.

On a very separate note (yes, I am rambling away), last week, the lifts at International Plaza did not work during the morning rush peak hour. When I got to the lobby, I saw lots of people milling around. When I got closer, I realized that only one lift out of every sector worked, so I waited for a while, hoping the lift would be empty or the crowd would clear. Later, the security guards came by to usher us to queue so that there would be some discipline and order. Good move as we huddled in one line according to the security guard’s instructions: “Stand two by two.” Did he think we were primary school students? But whatever, the office crowd would do anything not to climb up twenty or even thirty storeys. And yes, in the midst of queuing, this girl in front of me was busy taking pictures. At first I couldn’t comprehend why she was doing so, but after I read The Straits Times report in STOMP column, I realized why. This woman was being a kaypoh. I think it was her who sent it to STOMP anyway. Such a kaypoh and I definitely do not think this is newsworthy; it’s just grumble-worthy. Yes, granted that I queued for 45mins before it was my turn to take the lift up and yes, granted that some of my colleagues climbed 30 plus storeys of stairs to the office after the power to the only lift in each sector tripped again later but this woman is such a “bo liao kaypoh”! Maybe that’s why I am not a journalist – I am not kaypoh enough!

Ramble amble, ramble amble – my boss is away this week! Yoohoo. And I am on 3 days’ leave next week. I really need a holiday soon. Real soon. Just feel super unmotivated to do anything or to spur myself to work hard. I guess I am resting on my laurels. A break should be timely, be it in nearby countries or whatever. Just give me a break! And I better take my break now before everyone starts trying to clear their break towards the end of the year and I can’t take the dates I want. Yeah.

And oh shit, my gastric's acting up again or rather my stomach hurts after I eat but I am hungry! I have to eat. And I am putting on weight. My spare tyre around my tummy is growing and growing, coupled with bloatedness. Paradox of all paradoxes.

Distant Memories

Recently I bought Chinese medicated plasters to get pain relief for my sprained shoulder. As I tore the medicated plasters or “ko yo” for use, the familiar smell of the medication triggered my long buried memories of my grandmother. She had passed away about 7, 8 years ago and though life goes on, I guess deep down inside I still miss her. She would often ask me to buy these medicated plasters for her rheumatism. I didn’t mind buying but I think there were times I felt that she was a nag as she kept pestering me to buy but I forgot or it was not along my way to step into the medical hall.

I remembered she was ill with constipation or fever a few days before she passed away. However, as my grandmother was quite an independent and healthy person, I guess my family did not really pay much attention. She was extremely resilient, only needing a walking stick in the last 3-5 years of her life. Her organs were in good condition; there was no major chronic illness we hear about these days. Her eyesight was all right, she had good hearing or motor skills even. She was not senile, other than the occasional bouts of forgetfulness in her last few years where she would ask if she has taken her medication or what time she ate her food. Only in the last few years did she requested for a chair in the bathroom as she could not stand for too long and she was afraid she would fall.

She loved durians, peanut kueh and “ang koo kueh” and lots of other food too as she wasn’t very fussy about food but these are the 2 kinds I can remember. She was very game to try out new food too, so I used to buy her sushi, fried chicken with seaweed, ice cream, etc for her to try. I think she loved sushi too. Sadly, old age slowly claimed her appetite and digestion so she mostly ate porridge or soft food in the very latter years of her life. I remembered cutting up the vegetables or carrot and chicken into very small pieces and boiling with the porridge for her lunch. My family cooked it in the morning and left it in the heat container for her lunch – something which I think now is not very appetizing for her but we did not have a maid, only 2 tortoises to accompany her. Perhaps we should have gotten a maid to take care of her. I also had to make her breakfast before I left school as she woke up 1, 2 hours after I left for school because we were afraid she would scald herself with the hot water flask. And I remembered she loved visitors. She loved watching drama series and opera.

I guess as a teenager then, I did not really know how to take care of people. I guess I was living in my own world; a cold and selfish teenage who wanted to be out all the time. If I had paid more attention when she was last sick, she might have had an easier time. If only I knew how to care for a sick elderly and the kinds of food to feed, to watch her liquid levels and to prevent dehydration. It seemed like she never drank much water for 2 to 3 days.

We sent my grandmother to the hospital because she was quite unresponsive in the end or rather too frail. Yet she seemed all right in the hospital, which I supposed the drip restored her liquid levels. Unfortunately, that was the last night we saw her alive. Dead in the middle of the night or before dawn, we received a call from the hospital, asking us to go down as my grandmother’s blood pressure dropped and they were rescuing her. When we went there, we could only wait outside, so we slept fitfully and waited and waited and waited. Suddenly, the door of the emergency treatment room opened and we were told to go in to see her for the last time... She was 90 or about 93 years old...

How cold hospitals can be. How cold most nurses and doctors can be - without any real human concern. Not a comforting word, not a tissue. I shuddered and still shudder at mortuaries, hospitals and wakes. I hate going to wakes. I hate going to hospitals.

My family brought my grandmother back to KL to be buried. We sat with my grandmother, embalmed and lying in the coffin while the casket company drove us from Singapore to KL. I cannot remember how I passed those 6 to 8 hours on the road; I guess like all my family members, we were in a daze. The Chinese rituals were carried out for 3 days before she was buried and we had to pretend or rather cry loudly, do this, do that.

Till now, there are also some Chinese rituals to be carried out during Qing Ming Festivals. I find all these rituals very meaningless. This is why if I have any excuses to skip it, I will. People are just caught up with offering this, offering that to their ancestors or loved ones lying in the graves. Caught up in the rituals such that it becomes a routine. Where are the loving memories? Where is the significance? Where is the motivation?

My father says to bring flowers to the grave when my Malaysian aunt is too old to help us prepare the ritual food and joss sticks, candles and what have you. I think that that is so much better and meaningful – to go to the grave annually to remember the person and of course, in our hearts, forever.

Black inkie stinks!

1) I hate black ink! Stinky!
Proud, arrogant, think as "know-it-all", aggressive.

2) I am being bullied at work. Carry tales all you want. I answer only to God, not to man.

3) I have had enough of managers who do not support their colleagues/ staff. Then be manager for what??? Selfish prat only want to save own skin. Make me do so much work for a US$10K project when other managers have US$400K project and no trouble. Dumb, black inked ass.

Sigh!

My gastric pain acting up again... Stressed-related!!

Sigh. Was the subject of office politics recently. Though I erred too but imagine a manager who only cares about his own ass and would sacrifice you. Stands by doing nothing while someone else blasts you. My mistake, I blasted back but don't give me personal attacks. Another manager from Europe helped me out but not this local one. Appalling! Bet he told tales to my big boss.

I am now deflated. Defeated. I want to hide in a corner, I dreaded going to work this week and next. Oh Lord, help me, please. I am the end of my tether. I was too reactive, yes. My gastric pain acts up each time I feel uptight, nervous or whatever. Help me relax!

Then again, what do I care? We should not live to man's expectations, but to God's. Even if we are loathed by man, in God's eyes we are precious. God wants us to run to Him, into His embrace as He will put things right in His time.

World Cup Fever

I am no longer bored as I have been learning a new language recently!
The New Paper has been my daily read! Forget about Straits Times for now.

“Handicap, odds, home ground advantage, header, striker, midfielder, goalkeeper, Miroschev Klose, Lionel Messi, give ball, eat ball, round of sixteen, quarterfinals, etc, etc, etc. “

Yeah yeah yeah.

On another note, give me time to find out who the cute guys of soccer are. I am only but 3 weeks old here. Haha. But I still prefer clean cut looks and pretty blonde boys to exotic darker guys. Do also give me more more more time to know the game. which I admit I don’t know well as of now. Hehe.

World Cup

It's the World Cup season.

I am bored. Terribly bored.
I had enough of shopping. (My new clothes can last me 2 weeks if I wear one new one each day, maybe I should buy more to last me a month.)

As I write, I am bingeing on more chocolates, epecially raisin chocolates from Alpia. 200g worth of sweet raisin chocolates! Would I be a fat woman by the end of World Cup??

I know Steven Gerrad and Peter Crouch are good looking. So is David Beckham. Don't fancy Michael Owen. And I think that's about all. Haha.

Things to do
I will read more books.
I will bake?
I will clean the house.
I will meet up with my gfs (if they are free).

I will.

GERD

I hate getting sick!
I hate taking medicine in the form of pills!

Why am I sick???

I have been diagnosed with GERD, a supposedly chronic condition that the stomach produces too much acid. In addition a muscle that acts as a “gate” closing the gap between the esophagus (food pipe) and the stomach itself is slightly loose. It does not close completely, so some of the stomach acid may wash back up the esophagus. After a review, my doctor said mine is the mildest condition (grade A) but it is still uncomfortable. And the worst thing is I need to take pills for the rest of my life! I cannot be cured completely! I have to take it everyday now and wait till my condition stabilize and try to go off it and only take antacids or acid reducer pills when my gastric acts up in the long term.

That is not a solution for me. I am not going to rely on pills that may have side effects, for the rest of my life. Neither am I going to contribute to the coffers of the medicine manufacturers.

Of course right now I am avoiding all those foods (no fried/ spicy/ acidic/ caffeine laced) foods that will make my stomach uncomfortable and probably embarking on an exercise program asap and avoiding liquids during meal times and last but not least not lying down on a full stomach as this is not good for digestion. It's a torture reminding yourself to eat only 80% full everyday. Right now, I am bingeing on raisin chocolates!

Alternative measures:
- TCM
- Acupuncture
- Healing session in church
- Surgery
- Physical Exercise
- Lifestyle changes

I AM DEPRESSED. HELP!

Lift Finale

Poetic justice. I am so so so so so so so so so so so relieved. I am so so so so so so so so so glad I wrote that letter.

Well, following the lift incident, I faxed a letter to the security management of IP quickly and got a prompt response. The manager was very nice and sympathetic. He was also very understanding as he said he had come across such cases before with impatient people who cannot wait a few minutes for another lift. Very good customer service! He should be in the service line. Haha.

I had asked which floor the guy stopped at - 35th floor apparently. Menace! The manager somehow put me at ease immediately as he told me what he can view in the videos all over IP. I was speaking the truth in my letter! Apparently the man was running towards my lift and I couldn’t see him as it was at my blind spot. The cameras actually caught him kicking and pounding the door and everything that happened inside could be seen too! Hurray!

Measures taken:
- The face of the man is now on the security desk.
- The manager will try to find him and talk to him as the manager feels that pounding and kicking on the lift door is unacceptable and uncivilized behaviour. That mad man could damage public property. (I don’t care whether the manager really follows up, at least the security knows! Safety first.)

Thank God.

I will never go up in an empty lift alone at IP ever again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yet, suddenly, I am quite proud of my “ang moh” (English). Haha. Below are excerpts of my letter:

ATTN: Security Manager
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear xxx

I sincerely bring to your attention a disturbing incident which I encountered on the morning of 6 June 2006 at approximately 9am to 9.10am in the third lift on the left, the nearest to a shop display window, in the lobby for medium rise 21st floor to 35th floor at International Plaza.

The lift door had almost closed and I was alone in the lift when a bespectacled man, approximately 1.74m tall, perhaps in his late thirties to forties, shouted from outside, kicked and pounded the lift door furiously and very loudly too xxxxxxxxx description of what happened xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Given that all lifts in International Plaza are fitted with a camera, I beseech the management and security to be on the alert for this man, given his violent tendency xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Last but not least, I would like the security management to review their camera recording and inform me which floor the man stopped at xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

I look forward to your favourable and prompt response.


Yours sincerely,
Amy

Fearful

I remembered a shrill alarm my mum gave me some time back. She asked me to carry it with me all the time but I felt it was dumb so I chucked it in my drawer.

Took it out yesterday and brought it with me to work today. Makes me feel safer and more at ease.

The first image that came to my mind today was that mad man's face. Felt a sense of dread going to work. Kept replaying the incident in my mind. Help!
Prayed to God for my safety and peace of mind. Feeling much better.

Went up the lift with alot of people today after scanning the lobby for that mad man. No sight of him.

Thank goodness.

Encounter with a mad man

I had a very bad morning today. No wonder my left eyelid twitched at breakfast time. It was a horrific scary indignant experience. I was quite shaken at the end of it!

This is what happened…
I was waiting for the lift at IP and an empty one came and there was no one around, so I went inside and of cos pressed the CLOSE button so it would close faster and I can go up quickly. I just concentrated on pressing CLOSE as the door did not respond but finally it did. However, in the midst of it, I heard a guy shouting but I could not make out what he was shouting. Plus I was standing beside the lift buttons and on the right and I could not see anyone coming from the right, only the left. So the door closed, finally but I heard some pounding and kicking of the lift door. Suddenly the lift door opened and this man came charging in and accused me of not holding open the door for him. I retorted back that I couldn’t see anyone from my angle and he told me in a scathing way to forget it and asked me to stop talking! I was pissed and scared of this mad man who had kicked and hit the lift door furiously just now. I thought of what he could do to me as I was alone in the lift with him only. Even though there is a camera in the lift but if anything happens it would be too late. I quickly press the OPEN button and walked out but not without scolding him; “Mad man!”

This guy was really mad. Who in the right mind would pound the door so furiously??? I was very shaken and felt like crying and I just felt very harassed. I think I shall complain to the security management in writing. Even if it does not help I do not care, at least I brought to their attention. They can keep a lookout for him and review the camera.

Harassed… Harassed…

Breathe easy, breathe easy, breathe easy.

Should I take the stairs now instead????

Someone said I should have held the door open and pop my head outside to see what’s happening. Point is I cannot even hear what he’s shouting. Point is I am rushing to work, I am NOT watching a "show". Point is, it's none of my business to be check out what's the commotion about.

Another said I should have just shown him my third finger.

Another one only managed an anticlimax comment "I see, I see".

People! Be more sympathetic, can??!

Stress. Stress. Stress.

Somehow I have been really busy recently, especially in early May when my salespersons and boss went for a week-long seminar in China. I would love to go along but I had to hold the fort in the office and I was not much of a heavyweight for them to spend money on me to go for the seminar. Sigh. Sad, yah?

Anyway, I have been really busy, this is like the busiest period since I joined this company. In a nutshell, it’s like a mad rush. It’s just pure madness. There can be so many things to do or emails to attend to at the same time. The salesperson might just tell you that it is urgent and another does the same or they may give you something really complicated that takes some time to deliver. Also some last minute stuff may come in about 5pm, which is near going home time and I have to rush it out if I want to go home by 6pm but sometimes I am delayed. Sometimes I have to rush things out so I won't miss a day for US or Europe. Now that I have come to the idea to stay abit longer if necessary, I am not so hung up or anxious about that. Yet, in the last two weeks, I stayed till 6.30pm or sometimes even 7pm. At times after I went home, I still went online to check my office email.

Last Friday was the worst case I ever came across where a client did not have his material ready even though I had reminded him a day earlier of the submission. This client is familiar with our work procedures and as a gesture of goodwill, I sent him a reminder a day earlier! However, the next day, the client can tell me that nothing’s been done and I had to ask for help from my other colleagues in other offices and even thought of going to a shop that provided the service needed. The client was absolutely clueless – what a useless male manager. I wondered how he climbed up the ladder to be a marketing manager! So Friday was just a mad dash to clear up this client’s mess or void for that matter.

Let’s hope this week is much freer so I can stone and go back exactly at 6pm. And no more headaches (physically and metaphorically), please.

Shopping addiction

For the month of May, I had actually made a mental promise to myself to curb my shopping but I think I have kind of failed. The perils of working in the CBD area! Sigh.

My focus was on clothes, which I have bought quite a lot. Interestingly, International Plaza (IP) has quite a few unique shops and I have fallen in love with lace tops and Victorian styles. The best thing is these items in IP are much more affordable than mainstream clothing retailers such as Topshop or Mango. Though the material quality may differ, as long as you choose discreetly, you can get good quality at cheap prices!

Sadly, I broke my promise. Here are the stuff I bought, for a steal though!

Accessories
The brooches cost 2 for $10 while the crystal necklace and purple bracelet cost $10 each. Not so worth it for the purple bracelet but I really liked it as it will definitely add a touch of class to an outfit.






Shoes
I bought 3 pairs at one go! Quite on impulse but I really liked the shoes and there was a promotion going on at Giovanna – the second pair has 30% discount, which adds up to quite abit. Anyway the total bill of the 3 pairs of shoes cost me only $60.

Victorian spaghetti top
Saw this at Tanjong Pagar Plaza, one of those HDB shops but this shop had pretty unique stuff. This cost me only $20 which could retail at Isetan or whatever at at least $39.90!







Bottom: Ali baba pants
Got this at IP for only $10. Another shop was selling for $25 normal price and sale price at $15. Haha.


All in all, my expenditure this month till date is approximately $120 – a far cry from some months which I can spend up to $300 on average, especially if there’s an Isetan private sale.

Curb expenditure.
Curb expenditure.
Curb expenditure.
Curb expenditure.
Curb expenditure.

Away away nasty aunty!

It’s a common fact that pantry aunties and cleaners are nice, humble and friendly but no way did this happen in my working place. The pantry aunty here is horribly rude, mean and evil. Why do I say that?

Let me tell you a story…

Once upon a time, there lived a meanie, single spinster aunty called B and a sweet little girl called A.

one day, A went to the pantry and having finished her business there, opened the door to get out and saw or heard some footsteps approaching. A also saw a shadow looming. It was B, carrying a tray full of porcelain cups and saucers. As B’s hands were full, A decided to hold the door for B and wait for B to walk nearer before walking off. However, B’s reaction was abnormally rude and nonsensical. B went through the door and turned her nose up at A by turning her head and nose up in another direction. A was infuriated at this lack of courtesy and mean behaviour. A did not have to hold the door open for that old spinster B. A was not obliged to open the door.

B did not even nod or acknowledge or smiled at A. B must have felt that A had a “face that wanted to be punched”. B is incorrigibly mean and rude with that everyday “black, sulky” face of hers. Unbecoming of an intelligent educated being who can speak English and read English. Why does her company keep her cleaning the pantry still? Weird. Just sack her. Not only that, she gossips and speaks ill of everyone, including her “good” friends whom she lunches with. Incorrigible. Horrible. Terrible.

Revenge plan
1. spill water all over the pantry floor and basin
2. spill milo powder, coffee powder all over the counter
3. leave the biscuit tin cover uncovered
4. throw some biscuits on the floor
5. throw the magazines on the floor
6. plug out the telephone connection

Guess what? Another day, I heard this pantry spinster saying a delightful and cheerful “thank you” to a Chinese guy who held open the door for her as she pushed a trolley. What the H***. Sack her. See guys only swoon. See ang mohs only swoon. See females selectively swoon.

I will never hold the door open for her again. I will slam it in her face. I will look her up and down from head to toe like what she does to me every time.

Gastroscopy - the verdict

I went for a gastroscope recently and chalked up “huge” hospital bills (in my opinion lah, haha, $500 is a lot!). However, thank God, it’s claimable through my company’s insurance. Was given 1 day’s hospitalization leave as I had to undergo sedation, was not in condition to go to work after that.

Basically, a gastroscope is a test whereby the gastroenterologist will insert a tube-like instrument through your throat and down to your stomach to check for any abnormalities such as gastric ulcers. I was asked to rest on the hospital bed and was pushed by the nurse to the waiting room, with a name tag around my wrist. The nurses kept asking me; “Are you so and so?” which irritated me after a while but they have to ask, if not, they may get the wrong patient! Haha.

Before I was pushed to the waiting room, a cute, bespectacled young doctor, Dr Zheng so-and-so came by to check on me and explained to me the procedures. I could not help but stare at him. However, he was not my specialist. Haha.

After I was “trolleyed” (what a word, but…) into the endoscope room and given 2 horrible tasting medicines to swallow to numb my gagging reflexes and injected with something to keep me drowsy. I was asked to lie on my left and bite a mouthpiece. But that’s all I can remember.

The whole process probably took about 20 minutes, during which I fell asleep and the next thing I found myself in the hospital ward, awake. My head was still groggy, so I slept for 2 hours after being served breakfast. I had wolfed down breakfast as I had fasted since midnight. Surprisingly, warmed butter bread slices and hot Milo never tasted so delicious before! Then 2 hours later, a nurse came to check on me, explained to me the doctor’s diagnosis and discharged me.

Ok, thank God, I do not have any gastric ulcers but some weird sounding disease called “acid reflux” disease (GERD) which simply means hyper production of stomach acid which results in upper abdominal pain after I eat. Which may most probably be due to work stress? Also, it seems that there is a muscle which will close when the stomach acid digests food but my muscle is not completely closed when digestion starts. Well. Anyway, I was given some expensive medication to take for a month, which I can claim under insurance. Thank God again. Hopefully after 1 month’s medication, I need not take any more! Pray hard.

Remind me not to take too heavy meals. Avoid taking food 2 to 3 hours before bedtime (which means no supper, no Yakult). Avoid citrus fruits. Try to avoid/ reduce chocolate and caffeinated drinks like soda, tea, coffee (gasps! – my favourite hot drink is milk tea, which I must have at least 1 cup everyday. Or even chocolates. No, no, no. I love chocolates. Help!) Maybe I sit too much in office – need to walk around more after eating and not slouch.

Just remind me. Just restrict me if you ever see me eating all these stuff. Remind me to exercise too.

I hate hospitals

There are 2 things I hate – going to the hospital and to funeral wakes. I do not have a penchant for visiting people in hospitals or going to wakes. Just seems scary. Today’s experience only make going to the hospital more detestable.

I went to see a gastroenterologist or a specialist at CGH. My first impression of the environment was that it was quiet and serene with posh, comfortable sofa chairs, LCD tvs and newspapers or magazines to read. So far so good, or so I thought.

The specialist saw me for about 10 minutes, asked me some questions, kept writing down a lot of stuff (which is good) and examined my poor tummy. He then recommended me to do 2 tests and then I went down to the other dept to fix an appt. I asked for the same day as I did not want to make a 2nd trip. Yet, I got a shock when I saw the fees payable. $500 onwards!! Granted, I was referred from a GP and not the polyclinic but isn’t $500 too much for a scan???

With doubts in my mind and feeling very pissed, I went back to the gastroenterologist. Maybe I needed the test but it still costs too much, way too much. So I told the specialist that I only wanted to do one test, the crucial test – endoscope.

However, I could tell he thought I was making a big fuss. And from the way the nurse (foreign) spoke to me. All coldness and no sense of understanding.

Nurse: The prices are expensive because you specifically asked to see Dr so and so.
Me: No, I was referred here. How would I know who to ask for?

Nurse: You need to speak to the doctor about you not doing the CT scan.
Me: Ok. Can’t I just cancel it?
Nurse: No. You need to talk to the doctor. Since you are on private status, you have to pay that amount of money.
(with a very black face)

I was extremely pissed off. So what if I was referred from a GP?? In the first place, the medical fees are darn expensive. I had to do 2 tests and the total would be $1000? Wow. And the thing is no one explained to me how much the tests cost BEFORE I went to make an appointment. Ok, I could have asked but it was my FIRST time seeing a specialist of any kind. The stupid nurse gave me this superfluous look like wondering why I behaved like I was too poor to pay. Well, I am. $1000 is crazy. I can go on a 5 day airflown holiday and back. They should also explain to me what’s going on instead of herding me off to make appointments.

Irritating, first go for consultation then make appointment then pay consultation fee then must go to pharmacy again, queue and wait and queue and wait and pay. Waste time only. I spent 3 hours there and wait half an hour to 45 minutes to pay my consultation bill!!

Why the service so bad?? The nicely renovated surroundings can never make up for the lack of understanding, patience and initiative for the patient, no matter how advanced the medical technology is!!

Why so hospital fees so exorbitant? Why go polyclinic referral must wait 3 months??? Siao.

I know

I know you love me when you look at me with those adoring eyes.
I know you love me when you reach out to hold my hand,
Tightly, as if afraid I would run away.
I know you love me when you cuddle me close,
so close, I can smell your cleanly washed skin.
I know you love me when you stroke my hair,
ever so lightly and gently.
I know you love me when your lips touch mine,
tenderly with a tinge of trepidation,
and then with fire, a fire of passion.

First time voting

I was expecting my constituency to be a walkover but surprisingly the SDA is contesting. This means I get to vote and it’s my first time! Exciting! Haha. Well, it’s good to see many Singaporeans being able to vote instead of previous elections where most Singaporeans need not vote. I am sure there would be a fight, with Hougang and Potong Pasir having the toughest battle. Wow. That said, I do hope Mr Chiam See Tong of Potong Pasir (SDA), Mr Low Thia Khiang of Hougang (WP) and Mr Steve Chia (I am not sure which constituency he belongs to, forgive my political apathy), will win. I feel that they are worthy opponents to the PAP. I guess it’s all right to have a minority opposition who are good and will not confront the government just for the sake of opposing.

However, the people’s support for Mr Chiam See Tong is declining and he is getting on with age. I do think he has sat for 5 terms in Potong Pasir and done good during his terms. He’s the kind who does not oppose for the sake of opposing but I do feel he has great knowledge as a veteran politican who deliberates his moves with caution. Singaporeans may just vote for PAP as the dangled carrot of lift upgrading and perhaps estate upgrading is too much to ignore for realistic, practical and materialistic Singaporeans.

Mr Low Thia Khiang is all right and I believe he has done good for Hougang too. He’s quite candid and has a tinge of humour, especially in the way he speaks, but he is not like Mr Chee, who seems to go for hard ball tackles with the PAP. I hope he wins too.

The Workers’ Party (WP) is also in Aljunied and the candidates are quite strong under Sylvia Lim’s leadership. If they win, it’s good but even if they lose, a good margin would show that the people of Singapore want their voices to be heard, that they want an alternative. Other than that, most opposition candidates are too new, too foreign a face to me to warrant much attention.

As for me, I am still undecided as Mr Teo Chee Hean is heading my area. I do like him, he’s like Mr Goh Chok Tong, affable and humble and not to mention that they are both tall giants. I do think he will win, yet for me the underdog beckons. And beckons.